If I could turn invisible and freeze time whenever I felt like it…
1. If I could turn invisible…I’d go to a mall.
I would turn invisible and go to the women’s dressing rooms and I would get into any random room. Then, I would wait for some girl to get in and I’d grab onto the piece of clothing that they want to try on, and they’d be like “…what the fuck? The clothes are stuck in mid-air!” And then they’d call some employees for help. The employees would then walk into the dressing room and take a look as she tells them, “Look! My clothes are stuck in mid-air.” The employees would then stare at her for like 30 seconds without blinking, and then they’ll burst out laughing. Then, the employees call all shoppers to the ladies’ dressing room to laugh at the crazy woman.
Insulted, the woman would then yell at them, “Look, damn it! My clothes are stuck in mid-air!”
*The woman pulls the clothes harder, so I let go and her stupid, female-self is sent flying 10 feet away and falls.*
I hate those stupid water fountains they have at the mall, the ones that people throw coins in. I’d turn invisible, then I would get in the water and wait for people to throw coins in the water fountain. Every time somebody throws a coin in and leaves, I would get the coin out of the water and throw it back at them. The person would then turn around and see nobody there. Feeling like a jackass, the person would then walk over to the water fountain to investigate. When they look at the water, I would splash them in the face. Then they would look closer and I’d pull their damn head into the water and hold on for like 10 seconds, while I laugh like the Cookie Monster.
When I let go, the person would then start screaming and notice that everyone is staring. Ha!
Oh man, why do they have playgrounds at the mall for kids? I would turn invisible, and I’d lie down at the end of the slide and when a kid goes down the slide, I’d kick them in their fucking face. That ought to show them.
The kid would then run to their dad with a nosebleed. Furious, the dad shouts, “Who did this to my son?!”
Then, I’d whisper to his ear, “I did, asshole.” He would turn around and, of course, see nobody there. When he turns back around, I’d say, “Down here, stupid.” He would look down and I’d throw a really hard, right-uppercut. He’d fly 30 feet into the air and land on the slide, go down, and get kicked in the face. Ah, that’s some funny shit, right there.
And just for fun, I’d put items inside people’s purses, pockets, shopping carts and watch the alarm go off when they walk out of the store. But then again, I probably wouldn’t need to turn invisible to do that.
Ever been at the mall and there’s always some lady asking people if they would like to smell some perfume or cologne samples? Well, when she’s asking, “Who would like to smell some cologne?” I would say, “I would like to smell some.” Her dumb, female-self would turn around and see nobody there. Feeling embarrassed, she smiles and asks, “Um, who wanted to smell some cologne?” Then I’d say, “Over here, you old hag.”
Shocked and angered, the woman shouts, “You don’t have to be so rude!”
Then, I would immediately get behind her, push her, and quickly place my foot in front of her feet and watch her trip and fall down.
But if she gets back up too quick…POW! Knock her ass to the floor.
I would kick somebody out of their wheelchair. Then, I would use it to cruise around the mall. People would be like, “What the hell? That wheelchair is moving by itself!”
I’d stop riding it for a little bit and when people get closer to the wheelchair, I would take off fast, again. I’d keep doing that until somebody tries to grab the handles on the back, then I’d elbow-smash them in their face, splitting their nose in half.
People like to eat at the mall; they have tables and chairs so people can sit down and eat. Every time some woman is fixing to sit down, I’d pull her chair back as she sits, so she can fall on her ass. People laugh at her, but to be fair, I’d be like, “Why are you laughing? It’s fixing to happen to you.” Well, if they’re female. I would do that to all the ladies trying to sit down to eat.
And for the women whose chairs I didn’t pull, I would get one of those blow horns, put it next to their ear and scream from the top of my lungs. Then, of course, bash them over their head with it.
I’d take someone’s kid and put him in another person’s shopping cart, making look like they’re kidnapping them.
Ever wonder why girls bring like 4 other girls with them to the restroom and think to yourself, “What the fuck are they doing in there?” Well, I’d turn invisible and follow them there.
And see for myself why the hell they always take the whole town with them into the restroom…
2. If I could turn invisible…I’d go to a hospital.
I’d use those machines that they have in the emergency room and I would use them on some innocent person.
“Clear!” *THUMP!* “Clear!” *THUMP!*
Then, the person would yell, “Help! These machines are shocking me by themselves!”
I’d go to a different room and call a nurse in. As soon as she walks in, I’d get out of the room and slam the door shut. She would turn around and see that nobody was behind her. Freaked out, her scared, female-self wants to get out of the room, so she walks over the door and tries to open it. Of course, being a male and obviously much stronger, I’d hold the door closed with my weak hand. She can’t get out and screams for help. The other nurses would hear her screaming and rush to the room. I’d let go of the door as she pulls harder, so then she falls down and all the other nurses laugh their asses off. And so do I.
Next, I’d go to the rooms of the patients that are severely sick and I’d take their drinks from them, waving it in front of their face. And when they try to grab it, I’d pull it away. I would also eat their food in front of them, so they can watch it disappear slowly.
I’d piss in their apple juice, too.
When some patient is lying down on his bed, all bored, I’d flush his toilet and open his restroom door, they’d hear my footsteps and they’d freak out because they don’t see anybody walking out of the restroom. Later that night, when they are fixing to go to sleep, I’d whisper in their ear, “Get out of here. This place is evil.”
3. If I could freeze time by holding my breath…I’d go to the movies.
If I was standing inside the theater (waiting for my movie to start) and I saw a pretty girl with her boyfriend like about 20 feet away from me, I would shout at them, “Hey!” Then, when they look at me, I’d hold my breath (causing time-freeze) I’d walk up to them and punch the boyfriend multiple times in the face. But every time I throw a punch, a small amount of air manages to come out of my mouth, causing him to see still images of me throwing lighting fast punches. Then, I’d collect more air, hold my breath, walk back to where I was, breathe normally again, and they’d see me back where I was. Those fuckers would be confused as fuck, as the boyfriend’s face hurts like shit.
I fucking hate it when people stare at me. So if there’s some guy 50 feet away, staring at me while I’m with my friends, then I’d hold my breath, breathe normally and suddenly appear 30 feet away (20 feet closer). The person would be like, “What the fuck?” Then, I’d hold my breath again, breathe normally and be back at 50 feet away, again. Confused as fuck, the guy starts to wipe his eyes and looks at me again. So I’d hold my breath, breathe normally, and appear 30 feet away. And just to fuck with him some more, I’d hold my breath, walk 10 feet closer, breathe normally, and I’d appear 20 feet away.
I’d hold my breath, breathe normally, and be back at 50 feet away. The guy thinks he’s losing it and starts staring around and looks back at me. So, I’d hold my breath, walk closer, breathe normally and appear 10 feet away from him. Then, I’d hold my breath, walk closer, breathe normally, and I’ll be right in front of him. I’d throw 4 punches in a row; all of them land flush on his face.
Then, I’d hold my breath, walk back to where I was in the beginning, breathe normally, and be back at 50 feet away.
So then the guy decides to get the fuck out of the theater. Son of a bitch.
I’d go to a snack bar, order some popcorn, a drink, candy, nachos and a pretzel. When the cashier tells me how much I owe, I’d hold my breath, and walk the fuck out of there with my snacks.
During my movie, if some kids start talking, I’d hold my breath, and kick the shit out of them.
After watching movies, I like to go to where they have all the video games. I’d stand behind somebody at the coin machine, putting a dollar in for some quarters. As soon as the machine releases the quarters, I’d hold my breath, take the quarters, breathe normally again, and play Mortal Kombat.
I hate losing. So if somebody beats me in the game, I’ll punch him/her multiple times in the face, take his/her wallet, hold my breath, walk out of the arcade, out of the theater, and breathe normally again.
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