Tips for trick-or-treaters

(From October 30, 2007)

Co-writer: Kyle King

1. Don’t check your candy for poison. I mean, come on now. This is stupid. If your neighbor hates kids, he/she wouldn’t give out candy.

2. If some weird looking man offers you a ride, take it. What? Do you want to walk around the neighborhood with sore legs?

3. Don’t wear light colored clothing. Or do you want some person have their tires worn out from slamming on the breaks and then later that night, they drive home, their tire traction is shit and they crash? At least if they hit you, depending how it is, there’s a half decent chance of survival.

4. When it’s dark, RUN, don’t walk. I can assume you’re overweight because only fat kids go trick-or-treating. Besides, you need the exercise.

5. Approach houses that are unknown and very dark. If you approach a house with lights and is well-known, how fun is it? Where’s the excitement? At least if you approach a house unknown and dark, even if it is a pedophile’s house, the mystery of the unknown makes for a better Halloween. Don’t be a pussy, you fucking dipshit.

6. Walk in the middle of the street, don’t stay on the sidewalks. Sidewalks are stupid. This tip doesn’t apply to those that live in trailer parks, fuck off.

7. Don’t take a flashlight with you. Why would you want to take a flashlight? Aren’t there any streetlights in your shitty neighborhood?

8. You’re a fucking sissy if you eat an energy bar before going trick-or-treating.

9. Parents: Halloween is the perfect time to eliminate the unwanted, stale, past-its-expiration date food you have in your pantries. Why, oh WHY in the blue hell would you waste your time (and money) buying new fresh candy for little brats? Give them that orange juice box in your fridge, even though it expired 2 years ago.

10. If you knock and they don’t answer- turn on their water hose. Candy isn’t that expensive to buy. Those cheap bastards.

I’m only giving out peppermints (a lot of kids have bad breath) this Halloween. If they don’t like it, tough shit. I’m going to be outside with my machete so they don’t throw eggs at my house.

Let me know if any of these tips worked. Good luck.

(September 29, 2008: Adding another 10 to the list.)

Co-writer: Kyle King

11. Carry flexible knives, swords or other props that go with your costume. The knife/sword has to be real. If someone pesters you for candy, tell them that the sword is real and if they don’t fucking shut up, you’re going to stab them. Tell them that all night (make it sound like you’re joking) until it’s almost time to go home. Then cut the bastard for real- he’ll know you mean business.

12. Don’t carry a watch – What are you, 5? Nobody gives a fuck what time it is. You wanna be back home by 9? Didn’t think so. The party is just beginning at this time. Think of this way: it gives your parents more alone time without your ungrateful ass asking for shit every 30 seconds.

13. Here’s a fun prank: Grandpa, try to give away Viagra as candy. We all know once we reach that age, it becomes increasingly harder to pop a boner but lets face it, those infomercials about this product were not all they were cracked up to be. Who wants to have a constant boner for 4 hours? Not me. Give it away! Yeah, the kid will come back with his pissed off parents, demanding an apology. But you can get yourself out of trouble if you’re funny enough to make jokes about his boner. Joke about how his penis is bigger than yours. Everyone will laugh! They will even drop charges. (Give away laxatives, too. Tell the kids that it is chocolate.)

14. Avoid getting your ass kicked: Just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you’ve got superhero powers, dumbass. Don’t get cocky. You’re dressing up as something you’re not. You are not Superman. You are not Batman. You are not a hero, you’re a kid.  And you suck.

15. Don’t restrain pets. It’s good for your dog to be social. If it grows up being restrained when people are over, it’s gonna hate company. Besides, what if some jackass tries to get tough and robs you instead of trick-or-treating? Nobody will be there to save you, especially when Lassie is locked in the bedroom because you’re a fucking horrible pet owner. Leave the pets alone.

16. Take your iPod with you. Listening to children running, singing or laughing is fucking annoying. I’d rather be listening to some Sepultura or Black Sabbath. Make sure to have the music on loud as fuck when you’re walking outside at night.

17. Be on the look out for personalized family name wood signs. These are easy to find if you’re trick-or-treating in a neighborhood. With houses. Not a trailer park. Not an apartment building. A neighborhood. If you see a house with a rare last name, it is guaranteed that there will be candy. ‘Common last names houses’ are usually poor households. Don’t bother. Throws eggs at their cars, instead. The people living in the house might even eat the eggs, too. If it’s hot outside, they will be happy that the egg will get cooked on their windshield. They won’t have to worry about turning on the stove and the electric bill. That means they will save a bundle and might even provide candy next Halloween!

18. Be a good actor. Since you’re dressing up as something you’re not- why not act different? For example, if you’re dressing up like a head trauma patient with an eyeball hanging off his face- act like one. And when the ambulance arrives and the ambulance staff finds out there’s nothing wrong, they will all laugh. Let me know if anybody believed you. Try dressing up like a prostitute also. Bonus points for anybody that acts so good that cops show up and almost arrest you, until you reveal that it’s all just an act. Most cops have a sense of humor and hardly overreact using their batons. They will simply laugh it off! And so can you!

19. Ironic humor: Dress up like a Ku Klux Klan member. As mentioned before, since Halloween is about dressing up like something you’re not, why not? It’s better if you’re a black, Latino, or Jewish person dressing up like a KKK member so everyone will laugh. Harmless fun the whole neighborhood will enjoy!

20. Porn- Halloween is the best time to watch horror movies. Remember all of those porn DVDs your mom/girlfriend/wife/sister have been asking you to get rid of for years? Now is your chance. Use the DVD cases from scary movies, replace the scary movie with the porn DVD. Sell them to those horny, pre-puberty, smelly, ugly, bitchy,  nasty (and any other insulting word that ends with the letter ‘y’) children that trick-or-treat at your home. Most kids will actually buy them. Plus, the parents will never suspect that they’re watching porn, judging by the DVD case. If that’s not enough, they might even assume all those moaning sounds coming out the kid’s room are from the scary movie. You will get rid of those XXX movies and you will make money out of it.

I will be waiting outside, sitting down with my shotgun. Tell me your story on how well your Halloween went using these new tips. But for now, good luck.

(October 21, 2009: I’m adding five this year. For now. Maybe.)

1. Hole in the candy bowl: This one is just like the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick. You’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell is this?” This Halloween, there’s going to be lots of fine women dressed up as Silk Spectre ll. Want her to touch your penis? Carve that hole in the bottom of the candy bowl. Don’t put too much candy in the bowl, though. That will lower her chances of touching your junk, especially if you’re not well-endowed. Make sure to tell Silk Spectre ll to get a handful. When she finds out that she grabbed your cock, just play it cool. Say, “my bad” and she’ll understand. Also, have somebody else give the kids candy with a different bowl. You don’t want kids touching your junk. Unless you’re some sick, sex pervert. :|
2. Recycle candy wrappers: If I catch you throwing any of these around my house, I will put my foot in your ass. If you’re a hot girl of legal age, why don’t you stuff your bra with these candy wrappers? You can also put candy wrappers in baby bottles, mail boxes, flush them in public restrooms, or put them in that candy bowl. The one with the hole in it.
3. Get rid of a dead body: Remember that piece of shit with the Hollister shirt you had to kill about two nights ago? Hang that carcass from a tree. Children, teens, adults, and cops will see it and be impressed with your “realistic” dead body. Or you can cut his stomach open, pour his guts out, and lay the body out on your front lawn and put pumpkins next to it. If done right, the only question you should be asked by people/cops is, “how did you make it so lifelike?”. If not, your money back.
4. You want to search the internet for sex offenders? : Is there a pedophile in your neighborhood? Are you sure? You’re right. There isn’t. Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be aight!
5. Perfect excuse: Don’t show up to school the day after Halloween. Teachers are very understanding. Tell them that you got sick from eating too much candy. It sucks that Halloween is on a Saturday this year. You make me want to vomit.



~ by michaeldealba on October 30, 2009.