(From October 30, 2007)

Co-writer: Kyle King

1. Don’t check your candy for poison. I mean, come on now. This is stupid. If your neighbor hates kids, he/she wouldn’t give out candy.

2. If some weird looking man offers you a ride, take it. What? Do you want to walk around the neighborhood with sore legs?

3. Don’t wear light colored clothing. Or do you want some person have their tires worn out from slamming on the breaks and then later that night, they drive home, their tire traction is shit and they crash? At least if they hit you, depending how it is, there’s a half decent chance of survival.

4. When it’s dark, RUN, don’t walk. I can assume you’re overweight because only fat kids go trick-or-treating. Besides, you need the exercise.

5. Approach houses that are unknown and very dark. If you approach a house with lights and is well-known, how fun is it? Where’s the excitement? At least if you approach a house unknown and dark, even if it is a pedophile’s house, the mystery of the unknown makes for a better Halloween. Don’t be a pussy, you fucking dipshit.

6. Walk in the middle of the street, don’t stay on the sidewalks. Sidewalks are stupid. This tip doesn’t apply to those that live in trailer parks, fuck off.

7. Don’t take a flashlight with you. Why would you want to take a flashlight? Aren’t there any streetlights in your shitty neighborhood?

8. You’re a fucking sissy if you eat an energy bar before going trick-or-treating.

9. Parents: Halloween is the perfect time to eliminate the unwanted, stale, past-its-expiration date food you have in your pantries. Why, oh WHY in the blue hell would you waste your time (and money) buying new fresh candy for little brats? Give them that orange juice box in your fridge, even though it expired 2 years ago.

10. If you knock and they don’t answer- turn on their water hose. Candy isn’t that expensive to buy. Those cheap bastards.

I’m only giving out peppermints (a lot of kids have bad breath) this Halloween. If they don’t like it, tough shit. I’m going to be outside with my machete so they don’t throw eggs at my house.

Let me know if any of these tips worked. Good luck.

(September 29, 2008: Adding another 10 to the list.)

Co-writer: Kyle King

11. Carry flexible knives, swords or other props that go with your costume. The knife/sword has to be real. If someone pesters you for candy, tell them that the sword is real and if they don’t fucking shut up, you’re going to stab them. Tell them that all night (make it sound like you’re joking) until it’s almost time to go home. Then cut the bastard for real- he’ll know you mean business.

12. Don’t carry a watch – What are you, 5? Nobody gives a fuck what time it is. You wanna be back home by 9? Didn’t think so. The party is just beginning at this time. Think of this way: it gives your parents more alone time without your ungrateful ass asking for shit every 30 seconds.

13. Here’s a fun prank: Grandpa, try to give away Viagra as candy. We all know once we reach that age, it becomes increasingly harder to pop a boner but lets face it, those infomercials about this product were not all they were cracked up to be. Who wants to have a constant boner for 4 hours? Not me. Give it away! Yeah, the kid will come back with his pissed off parents, demanding an apology. But you can get yourself out of trouble if you’re funny enough to make jokes about his boner. Joke about how his penis is bigger than yours. Everyone will laugh! They will even drop charges. (Give away laxatives, too. Tell the kids that it is chocolate.)

14. Avoid getting your ass kicked: Just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you’ve got superhero powers, dumbass. Don’t get cocky. You’re dressing up as something you’re not. You are not Superman. You are not Batman. You are not a hero, you’re a kid.  And you suck.

15. Don’t restrain pets. It’s good for your dog to be social. If it grows up being restrained when people are over, it’s gonna hate company. Besides, what if some jackass tries to get tough and robs you instead of trick-or-treating? Nobody will be there to save you, especially when Lassie is locked in the bedroom because you’re a fucking horrible pet owner. Leave the pets alone.

16. Take your iPod with you. Listening to children running, singing or laughing is fucking annoying. I’d rather be listening to some Sepultura or Black Sabbath. Make sure to have the music on loud as fuck when you’re walking outside at night.

17. Be on the look out for personalized family name wood signs. These are easy to find if you’re trick-or-treating in a neighborhood. With houses. Not a trailer park. Not an apartment building. A neighborhood. If you see a house with a rare last name, it is guaranteed that there will be candy. ‘Common last names houses’ are usually poor households. Don’t bother. Throws eggs at their cars, instead. The people living in the house might even eat the eggs, too. If it’s hot outside, they will be happy that the egg will get cooked on their windshield. They won’t have to worry about turning on the stove and the electric bill. That means they will save a bundle and might even provide candy next Halloween!

18. Be a good actor. Since you’re dressing up as something you’re not- why not act different? For example, if you’re dressing up like a head trauma patient with an eyeball hanging off his face- act like one. And when the ambulance arrives and the ambulance staff finds out there’s nothing wrong, they will all laugh. Let me know if anybody believed you. Try dressing up like a prostitute also. Bonus points for anybody that acts so good that cops show up and almost arrest you, until you reveal that it’s all just an act. Most cops have a sense of humor and hardly overreact using their batons. They will simply laugh it off! And so can you!

19. Ironic humor: Dress up like a Ku Klux Klan member. As mentioned before, since Halloween is about dressing up like something you’re not, why not? It’s better if you’re a black, Latino, or Jewish person dressing up like a KKK member so everyone will laugh. Harmless fun the whole neighborhood will enjoy!

20. Porn- Halloween is the best time to watch horror movies. Remember all of those porn DVDs your mom/girlfriend/wife/sister have been asking you to get rid of for years? Now is your chance. Use the DVD cases from scary movies, replace the scary movie with the porn DVD. Sell them to those horny, pre-puberty, smelly, ugly, bitchy,  nasty (and any other insulting word that ends with the letter ‘y’) children that trick-or-treat at your home. Most kids will actually buy them. Plus, the parents will never suspect that they’re watching porn, judging by the DVD case. If that’s not enough, they might even assume all those moaning sounds coming out the kid’s room are from the scary movie. You will get rid of those XXX movies and you will make money out of it.

I will be waiting outside, sitting down with my shotgun. Tell me your story on how well your Halloween went using these new tips. But for now, good luck.

(October 21, 2009: I’m adding five this year. For now. Maybe.)

1. Hole in the candy bowl: This one is just like the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick. You’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell is this?” This Halloween, there’s going to be lots of fine women dressed up as Silk Spectre ll. Want her to touch your penis? Carve that hole in the bottom of the candy bowl. Don’t put too much candy in the bowl, though. That will lower her chances of touching your junk, especially if you’re not well-endowed. Make sure to tell Silk Spectre ll to get a handful. When she finds out that she grabbed your cock, just play it cool. Say, “my bad” and she’ll understand. Also, have somebody else give the kids candy with a different bowl. You don’t want kids touching your junk. Unless you’re some sick, sex pervert. :|
2. Recycle candy wrappers: If I catch you throwing any of these around my house, I will put my foot in your ass. If you’re a hot girl of legal age, why don’t you stuff your bra with these candy wrappers? You can also put candy wrappers in baby bottles, mail boxes, flush them in public restrooms, or put them in that candy bowl. The one with the hole in it.
3. Get rid of a dead body: Remember that piece of shit with the Hollister shirt you had to kill about two nights ago? Hang that carcass from a tree. Children, teens, adults, and cops will see it and be impressed with your “realistic” dead body. Or you can cut his stomach open, pour his guts out, and lay the body out on your front lawn and put pumpkins next to it. If done right, the only question you should be asked by people/cops is, “how did you make it so lifelike?”. If not, your money back.
4. You want to search the internet for sex offenders? : Is there a pedophile in your neighborhood? Are you sure? You’re right. There isn’t. Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be aight!
5. Perfect excuse: Don’t show up to school the day after Halloween. Teachers are very understanding. Tell them that you got sick from eating too much candy. It sucks that Halloween is on a Saturday this year. You make me want to vomit.



1. If I could turn invisible…I’d go to a mall.

I would turn invisible and go to the women’s dressing rooms and I would get into any random room. Then, I would wait for some girl to get in and I’d grab onto the piece of clothing that they want to try on, and they’d be like “…what the fuck? The clothes are stuck in mid-air!” And then they’d call some employees for help. The employees would then walk into the dressing room and take a look as she tells them, “Look! My clothes are stuck in mid-air.” The employees would then stare at her for like 30 seconds without blinking, and then they’ll burst out laughing. Then, the employees call all shoppers to the ladies’ dressing room to laugh at the crazy woman.

Insulted, the woman would then yell at them, “Look, damn it! My clothes are stuck in mid-air!”

*The woman pulls the clothes harder, so I let go and her stupid, female-self is sent flying 10 feet away and falls.*

I hate those stupid water fountains they have at the mall, the ones that people throw coins in. I’d turn invisible, then I would get in the water and wait for people to throw coins in the water fountain. Every time somebody throws a coin in and leaves, I would get the coin out of the water and throw it back at them. The person would then turn around and see nobody there. Feeling like a jackass, the person would then walk over to the water fountain to investigate. When they look at the water, I would splash them in the face. Then they would look closer and I’d pull their damn head into the water and hold on for like 10 seconds, while I laugh like the Cookie Monster.

When I let go, the person would then start screaming and notice that everyone is staring. Ha!

Oh man, why do they have playgrounds at the mall for kids? I would turn invisible, and I’d lie down at the end of the slide and when a kid goes down the slide, I’d kick them in their fucking face. That ought to show them.

The kid would then run to their dad with a nosebleed. Furious, the dad shouts, “Who did this to my son?!”

Then, I’d whisper to his ear, “I did, asshole.” He would turn around and, of course, see nobody there. When he turns back around, I’d say, “Down here, stupid.” He would look down and I’d throw a really hard, right-uppercut. He’d fly 30 feet into the air and land on the slide, go down, and get kicked in the face. Ah, that’s some funny shit, right there.

And just for fun, I’d put items inside people’s purses, pockets, shopping carts and watch the alarm go off when they walk out of the store. But then again, I probably wouldn’t need to turn invisible to do that.

Ever been at the mall and there’s always some lady asking people if they would like to smell some perfume or cologne samples? Well, when she’s asking, “Who would like to smell some cologne?” I would say, “I would like to smell some.” Her dumb, female-self would turn around and see nobody there. Feeling embarrassed, she smiles and asks, “Um, who wanted to smell some cologne?” Then I’d say, “Over here, you old hag.”
Shocked and angered, the woman shouts, “You don’t have to be so rude!”

Then, I would immediately get behind her, push her, and quickly place my foot in front of her feet and watch her trip and fall down.

But if she gets back up too quick…POW! Knock her ass to the floor.

I would kick somebody out of their wheelchair. Then, I would use it to cruise around the mall. People would be like, “What the hell? That wheelchair is moving by itself!”

I’d stop riding it for a little bit and when people get closer to the wheelchair, I would take off fast, again. I’d keep doing that until somebody tries to grab the handles on the back, then I’d elbow-smash them in their face, splitting their nose in half.

People like to eat at the mall; they have tables and chairs so people can sit down and eat. Every time some woman is fixing to sit down, I’d pull her chair back as she sits, so she can fall on her ass. People laugh at her, but to be fair, I’d be like, “Why are you laughing? It’s fixing to happen to you.” Well, if they’re female. I would do that to all the ladies trying to sit down to eat.

And for the women whose chairs I didn’t pull, I would get one of those blow horns, put it next to their ear and scream from the top of my lungs. Then, of course, bash them over their head with it.

I’d take someone’s kid and put him in another person’s shopping cart, making look like they’re kidnapping them.

Ever wonder why girls bring like 4 other girls with them to the restroom and think to yourself, “What the fuck are they doing in there?” Well, I’d turn invisible and follow them there.

And see for myself why the hell they always take the whole town with them into the restroom…

2. If I could turn invisible…I’d go to a hospital.

I’d use those machines that they have in the emergency room and I would use them on some innocent person.

“Clear!” *THUMP!* “Clear!” *THUMP!*

Then, the person would yell, “Help! These machines are shocking me by themselves!”

I’d go to a different room and call a nurse in. As soon as she walks in, I’d get out of the room and slam the door shut. She would turn around and see that nobody was behind her. Freaked out, her scared, female-self wants to get out of the room, so she walks over the door and tries to open it. Of course, being a male and obviously much stronger, I’d hold the door closed with my weak hand. She can’t get out and screams for help. The other nurses would hear her screaming and rush to the room. I’d let go of the door as she pulls harder, so then she falls down and all the other nurses laugh their asses off. And so do I.

Next, I’d go to the rooms of the patients that are severely sick and I’d take their drinks from them, waving it in front of their face. And when they try to grab it, I’d pull it away. I would also eat their food in front of them, so they can watch it disappear slowly.

I’d piss in their apple juice, too.

When some patient is lying down on his bed, all bored, I’d flush his toilet and open his restroom door, they’d hear my footsteps and they’d freak out because they don’t see anybody walking out of the restroom. Later that night, when they are fixing to go to sleep, I’d whisper in their ear, “Get out of here. This place is evil.”

3. If I could freeze time by holding my breath…I’d go to the movies.

If I was standing inside the theater (waiting for my movie to start) and I saw a pretty girl with her boyfriend like about 20 feet away from me, I would shout at them, “Hey!” Then, when they look at me, I’d hold my breath (causing time-freeze) I’d walk up to them and punch the boyfriend multiple times in the face. But every time I throw a punch, a small amount of air manages to come out of my mouth, causing him to see still images of me throwing lighting fast punches. Then, I’d collect more air, hold my breath, walk back to where I was, breathe normally again, and they’d see me back where I was. Those fuckers would be confused as fuck, as the boyfriend’s face hurts like shit.

I fucking hate it when people stare at me. So if there’s some guy 50 feet away, staring at me while I’m with my friends, then I’d hold my breath, breathe normally and suddenly appear 30 feet away (20 feet closer). The person would be like, “What the fuck?” Then, I’d hold my breath again, breathe normally and be back at 50 feet away, again. Confused as fuck, the guy starts to wipe his eyes and looks at me again. So I’d hold my breath, breathe normally, and appear 30 feet away. And just to fuck with him some more, I’d hold my breath, walk 10 feet closer, breathe normally, and I’d appear 20 feet away.

I’d hold my breath, breathe normally, and be back at 50 feet away. The guy thinks he’s losing it and starts staring around and looks back at me. So, I’d hold my breath, walk closer, breathe normally and appear 10 feet away from him. Then, I’d hold my breath, walk closer, breathe normally, and I’ll be right in front of him. I’d throw 4 punches in a row; all of them land flush on his face.

Then, I’d hold my breath, walk back to where I was in the beginning, breathe normally, and be back at 50 feet away.

So then the guy decides to get the fuck out of the theater. Son of a bitch.

I’d go to a snack bar, order some popcorn, a drink, candy, nachos and a pretzel. When the cashier tells me how much I owe, I’d hold my breath, and walk the fuck out of there with my snacks.

During my movie, if some kids start talking, I’d hold my breath, and kick the shit out of them.

After watching movies, I like to go to where they have all the video games. I’d stand behind somebody at the coin machine, putting a dollar in for some quarters. As soon as the machine releases the quarters, I’d hold my breath, take the quarters, breathe normally again, and play Mortal Kombat.

I hate losing. So if somebody beats me in the game, I’ll punch him/her multiple times in the face, take his/her wallet, hold my breath, walk out of the arcade, out of the theater, and breathe normally again.

There was this old lady in a wheelchair at the grocery store and she went into this aisle that had a tall stack of heavy boxes, and her stupid wheelchair bumped it. So they all fell down on her.

I was laughing my ass off.

She couldn’t get the heavy boxes off, then she saw me and asked me to help her. But I was already weak from laughing. Then, I walked past her and the boxes and I proceeded to the cereal section and left her there. HAHAH!

Old people smell bad. They make me want to PUKE!

And what’s up with old people and prune juice? Old people are stupid.

I will be moving to California this winter.

Texas sucks.

The coolest thing I did here in Texas took place inside a girl’s restroom back when I was in high school. Well, I won’t tell you what I did, but it kicked ass!
Before I leave Texas, I hope to be able to see certain stuff here for the first time, and hopefully those things will give me lots of memories. So, without any further ado, here is my list.

1.) A midget working at Hooters with big tits- Now, I know what you’re thinking, but what’s sexier than a height-challenged woman working at Hooters with knockers that are guaranteed to give you a boner? If you don’t find this attractive, you suck!

I’m tired of the old-fashioned, tall, ditzy blonde that lies, kisses ass, sucks dick and sleeps with her boss to get her way.

I want to see a 3 foot tall woman working at Hooters. Imagine the midget having a hard time trying to reach some dude’s shoulder, so she can tap it and finally get his attention and ask for his order. But her big, heavy tits make it even harder for her to stand on her toes to reach him. Hilarious!…Yet so sexy.

2.) Little children getting run over by a big truck- Hey, it could happen.

3.) People spontaneously combust- This would definately change my mind about moving.

Texas is always fucking hot, yet nobody explodes from all the heat and electricity. Or melts.

Scientists say that the gas we have in our bodies could cause us to explode, but in order to do that, we need to start some electric spark in our stomach. Of course, we can’t do that.

Shit.

Oh well. I least I still have my dignity.

4.) The Transformers movie- This movie looks so fucking awesome! I’m currently doing lots of things to pass time until the movie is finally out in theaters.

The last movie I saw was “Knocked Up” and it sucked big, sweaty, salty balls. It was a waste of my money, gas money, and most importantly, my precious time.

I had to take a really big piss by the middle of the movie. I thought I was going to finally piss my pants when I got pissed at everyone’s stupidity, I stood up and yelled, “People! THAT SHIT IS NOT FUNNY!”

But everyone ignored me and continued laughing at the movie. They even had a scene in which the main character is giving birth to her baby, of course, she was screaming in pain. And since I had to take a piss, I had sympathy for the stupid bitch.

Now I’m wondering why didn’t I just walk out to take a piss and forget about the movie…

Back to the Transformers Movie: This movie is going to knock you on your ass! I can’t wait for this movie to come out.

5.) Lesbians that actually look like the ones from cable TV- I’ve seen some unattractive lesbians before. Like Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, Sheryl Swoopes and Billy Joe Armstrong.

That’s how lesbians look like in the real world.

But attractive women are PAID a lot of money to play lesbians in films they are not really interested in the first place. But they do it anyway because they make a lot of money and people love to see their favorite actresses make out with each other.

Sexy lesbians for me…is that too much to ask for?

6.) A dead body with a wallet in its pocket, near a swamp- I’ve seen a dead body near a swamp before. It didn’t have a wallet, though.

7.) My friends from school- I only want to see them in the airport when I leave. And when I see them, I want to see them cry.

I want to see pain and suffering in their eyes. They should feel shattered to know that their king is leaving shitty-ass Texas and going to a better state.

“Please don’t leave, your Majesty!!!”

I would be laughing my ass off.

Well, that’s the list.

I better see big-tittied midgets and I hope Transformers doesn’t suck.

Oh, and one more thing…

Go away.

I was at the movies, and as I was waiting for the movie to start, a trailer for the Shrek the 3rd movie was playing. The stupid little children sitting next to me started laughing real loud everytime dumbass Shrek did something stupid. I couldn’t enjoy the movie that I was watching because the fucking kids never got quiet. And they stinked too. So I left and sneaked into the other movie, which was 28 Weeks Later. (Movie kicked ass!)
I fucking hate the sound of kids laughing. Imagine some rich asshole offer you 500,000 dollars to laugh, sneeze, fart, vomit, pee and cough all at the same time. And you only get ONE chance to do it. That same feeling you get when you fail getting the 500,000 dollars is the same feeling I get when I hear a kid laugh.

Fuck kids. They don’t deserve to breathe. In fact, they don’t deserve to laugh. Most little kids that watch movies, such as Shrek, are only 5 years old. How can they decide what’s so funny? So fuck kids.

I’ll laugh for them. And if I ever watch a movie and something funny happens, I will tap on the shoulder of the closest kid I can find and I’ll tell him, “That shit was funny”, then I will command him to laugh. Or I’ll fucking punch his stomach.

Anyway, when the movie was over, I decided to check out some girls outside the theater. As I was standing outside, a group of 8 little kids walked out of the theater repeating some lines from the fucking Shrek 3 movie.

Now I hate Shrek.

What’s up with Shrek anyway? He’s an ogre? Fuck ogres.

Back to my story: I couldn’t take it anymore. I told the kids to shut the hell up. Then, their stupid dad told me, “Hey! Don’t talk to my kids like that.“And their fucking mom jumped in, “what’s going on?“.

Since I was not in a good mood, I picked up one of their kids, and I used him like a baseball bat to hit some homeruns. I hit the all of the little fuckers out of the parking lot. The dad came up to me, so I kicked him so hard in the nuts that his testicles popped out of his eye sockets.

I headbutted their mom in the chest and left her with bruised titties. And I could have sworn that her nipples fell off. No wonder I saw something that looked like pepperoni on the floor.

By the way, their mom looked like a real freak. If I were to have sex with her, I really wouldn’t need to do anything. All I have to do is provide the cum.

Another thing about kids that I hate is the clothes they wear.

Why do their shirts look like wallpaper? Their clothes are fucking ugly. I’m glad I’m not a little kid anymore.

I also hate their shoes. Some kids are so retarded that they get slip-ons because they don’t know how to tie their shoes. And they don’t know how to tie their shoes because their parents are too stupid to teach them how.

*SIGH* People!

I remember a while back, I was at the zoo, and I had some cotton candy. Out of nowhere, some little girl grabs my bag of cotton candy and tried to take it from me. But I held on and I pulled the bag so hard that the little bitch fell on the floor.

Take that, super-bitch.

What the hell was she thinking? I was not going to let that bitch take my candy. I can tell that she was, and probably still is, a spoiled bitch that thought she could have anything she wanted.

And her parents got mad at ME.

Fuck you, Super-Bitch’s parents!

Why do these assholes bother defending their spoiled kids? They come back from work, relax on the couch, and enjoy the silence. Then one of their kids ruins their moment by asking stupid questions. “Daddy, why is red…red?“

Kids are so fucking stupid. We need to make new child labor laws.

 I’m perfect because I do everything right the frst tmei first time.

Also, I’m an asshole and I’m not afraid to admit it. This blog post will prove it, too. Most of my blogs will contain a lot of cussing because I don’t want certain people to read my blogs.

Anyway, be warned my reader!

The beauty of blogging,cussing, ranting and posting pornographic pictures on the internet is that it pisses of a bunch of wimps.

Unfortunately, there are other idiots that manage to get access to the internet and post some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard!

The following is from some dipshit’s About Me from his MySpace profile. I’ve copied and pasted it here. Now I challenge you to read this About Me, you have less than 30 seconds and you can’t pause to re-read anything.

Go!

WAT YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT ME HUH HUH HUH?!?!?!? LOL….AIGHT AIGHT LET ME START WITH MA AGE IS 16 BOUT TO BE 17 ON MAY 13 07 Y3S!!!R 4ND TH3N L3TZ G0 W!TH MA N4M3! !S J0N4TH4N ! W4S B0RN !N M0NT3RRY (y3z pr0ud 0f !t)…bUT M0sT 0F MY L!F3 H4v3 B33N R4!S3 H3R3 !N H0uSTON3…4ND NOW L3TS R34LLY T4LK 4B0uT ”J” W3LL ! L0V3 B0X!NG D4TS mY L!F3 ! TH!NK??? W3LL ! TH!NK ! L0V3 !T JuST C4US3 0F d4 $$M0n3y$$ LOL….BuT ! R34LLY W4Nn4 D0 TH4T T0 H3LP 0NLY 2 P30PL3 !N Th!S W0RLD TH3 ! 4LW4YS W!LL L0V3 4ND D3M 2 p30pl3 4r3 mY >M0m 4ND d4D<…S0 Y34H ! L!K3 F!GhT!NG BUT I D0N’T L!k3 DR4m4 0UT 0F TH3 R!nG 0NLY !F ! F33L CRuNK 4ND JuST W4nN4 W0oP S0M3 B0DY’S 4Ss x[ lol =]…BUT 4nyW4YS ! L!K3 D0!NG 4NYTH!NG L0NG3ST !M W!Th mY FR!3nDS C4US3 mY Fr!3nDS M4K3s M3 H4PpY S0 Y34H TH4T H0W !T G03S D0WN Y0u F33L M3 LOL…! L!K3 M4K!NG P30PL3 SM!L3 C4US3 !F !S N0 SM!L3S TH#Y M4K3 TH!s W0RLD D4Mn BoR3D =[….BuT S0m3 B0DY 4LW4YS G0TT4 4CT 4 4SS 4ND TH4TS M3!!! ;)….BuT Th4T N0T R34LlY 3v3RYTH!NG AB0uT M3 Th0 Y0u G0TT4 G3T T0 R34LLY KN0W M3 S0 YOU C4N Kn0W TH3 REST 0F M3 Y0o HuRD M3 W3LL !M4 H0LL4 4T Y4 L4T3RZ 4!GHT

It’s from this guy’s MySpace profile.

That’s enough about these idiots…

Now let me talk about sluts!

When I’m not on MySpace, I’m listening to the latest gossip about the neighborhood slut from my friends, and she lives just a few houses away from mine. I’m posting a picture from her MySpace page that I thought was pretty cool, but I’m not giving out her URL.

The picture’s caption:” I see u!!!!”

But that’s not what she was really trying to tell us. Oh no. She was trying to tell us something else. So I decided to help her out and I’ve edited the picture so you can see what she was really trying to say.

A picture says a thousand words. What does this one tell you?

I live in a real peaceful, boring neighborhood, but the other “neighborhood” next to mine is actually a trailer park, or trailer hood, with the dumbest fuckers I’ve ever met.

Every day, there used to be these little stupid 12-year-old pricks playing soccer behind my backyard fence. They kept kicking their damn ball over my fence and it would land on my backyard. Sometimes they would kick the ball so hard that if the ball hit my fence, the ball would knock down or break one of my fence boards.

It’s a real pain in the ass to go to Home Depot and waste my fucking money on new fence boards.

So one day, I was playing a video game and I heard something break in my backyard. I figured the trailer park kids were playing soccer and they had kicked the damn ball over the fence, again.

By the time I went outside to see what was going on, the dumbass kids had stopped playing soccer and they were gone. When I found the ball in my backyard, I discovered that they had broken one of my damn windows.

So I took the ball and I hid behind a bush, I figured they would come back. A few minutes later, the kids were back with another ball and they began playing again. I waited for them to kick the new ball over the fence.

Five minutes later, one of the ugly, dumbass kids had kicked the ball over to my backyard.

After he climbed the fence and jumped into my backyard, I popped out and yelled: “Hey!”.

The kid looked at me, then I showed him the ball one of his friends kicked earlier, so I pulled out my sharp pocket knife….I slashed the soccer ball and I started laughing my ass off.

Then the kid took off his shirt, threw it on the floor and wanted to fight me. I laughed even harder, so I walked up to him, picked him up and I punted him over my neighbor’s fence.

I was laughing so hard that I almost shit my pants. Then I went back inside, picked up the controller and continued playing Fifa World Cup on PS2.